2016's Sigh to 2017's Sign

I just finished playing my latest wallow song 

True Colors

when I looked up to this:

Maybe Branch and Poppy are talking me out of my 2016 blues.

That my woes could end up whoas.

Damn, Trolls.

War Dogs: A Movie about Bros, Rats

They won the resourcefulness war...and the war inside my heart too.
Simple moral: daig ng mabait ang magaling. 

Of course, anything with Miles Teller in it is 

sure to be starring an angel 

(Exactly! I hate that they villainized him in Divergent).

But I'd still prefer myself to be both.
Hard.

War Dogs. 

Fun movie about not making fun.

As for the rats in the title, well, 

Jonah Hill's line

"I live off the crumbs. I'm like a rat" serves as the DNA of the story.

TROLLOVE

In this world full of Branches, led by yours truly, I never thought this movie would bring out the Poppy in me.

Branch is the jaded one in this universe while Princess Poppy is, needless to say, the epitome of everything joyful.

You see, I never wanted to see this film Trolls. It didn't help that I'm not a fan of the doll line either. But one magical downloads day, last minute, Trolls popped up into my screen.

Told myself, why not?

In the middle of my annual Oscars marathon, gut feel led me to want some light stuff - stuff as possibly feel-good as, say, Trolls. 

Played it anyway.

Five minutes into the movie, I detected the silliness I anticipated it might be full of. If this weren't an animation, I'd call it cartoonized cannibalism.

Halfway through, I fell for Branch. The one who's practically me: jaded, cynical, persnickety. He was the ultimate setback in the mission to save the world or unleash happiness.

And then, out from behind, the story pivots to pack the emotional punch animated films warrant - one that screams aspirational all over. Boy did it wallop me hard. Straight to bully my tear ducts. 

ALAS! A flash flood of tears. All those bottled up inside me the whole, entire time of December in which special occasions deprived themselves to start with "happy" but with "mopey" in its stead.

I felt betrayed. By the heart walled up against any vulnerability.

If some have learned to grow inconspicuously jaded, hopeless romantics can never escape their little mushy selves in them.

This scene was that little mushy self:

So little yet so big on the heart. Unexpected tearjerker.

And while I never ever liked Phil Collins' schmaltzy hit True Colors, this was the very song that bullied my heart to finally let it out. Tucked in the dark corner of the bedroom, a crybaby let it all out like nobody's ever cried before.

True love seemed back. One tear at a time.
Seemed.

Gunning for the Kill

Never wanted a relationship. 

Love is giving someone a gun & trusting they won't pull the trigger. I shall keep that promise and NEVER give anyone the gun. 

Ever. 

Again. 

Even if a world of wealth, understanding, and unconditional happiness is promised. 

No. 

Never ever turn against your own promise. 

To keep your gun. 

To love yourself.

Contrary to what most believe, 

the gun is not a symbol of strength but of weakness. 

It is that which you rely on to protect you because you're scared not enough shields can protect you. The shields held up by our friends, neighbors, family...by anyone we love. 

A gun lies about in your private space. 

The same space you sleep in, 

you divulge and develop confidential information, 

you keep your family in, your darkest of secrets, 

your vulnerabilities. 

The gun has been there. 

Until someone breaks in to want to try it. 

Or test it. 

Or keep it. 

The last possibility being that situation that scares you the most. Because the gun is as much a key to your innermost core as it is to your very own destruction. 

But the new party is a welcome respite from all the uncertainties and apprehensions. 

He or she seems more than borrower of the gun; he or she could actually be THE gun. 

The one who can protect you. 

                   The one who can hold the shield in one hand, and the gun in the other. 

                  The one who will appear and promise to kill for you.

 

An insurance of all needs. Specially targeted to your needs. 

One thing we learn about insurance is that there lurk false ads. 

Keep in mind to never ever fall for a false advertisement. 

There are those who will say they can be trusted with your gun. 

But they're just anybody else. They're curious about the gun. 

So they do and say everything it takes to borrow it from you and eventually own it. Before you knew it, you're killed by your own gun. 

All because you thought the promises to handle it well, as "advertised," were for keeps. 

Think again. 

Using that thing above your heart. 

5/21

Hiatuthousand17

Resetting back to the time I was free of the shackles of drama. 
2016 forgot December. Off you all go then, December and Facebook. 

.

Warm & Fuzzy in this Cold December

Most would assume my most favorite Christmas song is Mariah's "All I Want For Christmas Is You."

NO. 

"Warm and Fuzzy" 

gets the most plays of them all. 

Familiar? 

Twas by that charming, little belter boy BILLY GILMAN back in 2000.

I always felt when Justin Bieber first came out, he was the rebellious version of Billy Gilman. And when Michael Bublé became popular, he's my missing Billy boy.

But he didn't march rebelliously out of the industry or grew missing. He's that Billy Gilman who just won 2nd place on The Voice (Season 11), and one who's so out & proud on Instagram posting couple pictures of he and his boyfriend Chris Meyer.

When I die, it's still Mariah's unreleased gem "There For Me" I want played aloud yet if the interment happens in December, it shall be Billy's "Warm and Fuzzy."

Last Gift

Much appreciated.

Fateful 8th, Fatal 1st

Why does it often seem to be an "either" rather than a "both"?

Why didn't I have a happy birthday or will never have a merry Christmas?

Why is it always a matter of "who wins?" than "I can't lose you"?

Why do birds suddenly disappear every time "others" are near?

Why is it about "who did it first?" than sharing wonderful firsts?

Tell me there's a greater purpose of your coming into my life.

Because if it came with eternal sadness, I hope it gives us a "neither."

Relationship vs. Love

relationship

a point of diminishing returns 

for two people 

constantly fighting with each other

love
a point of increasing returns between two people 
constantly fighting for one another

Wild/Retrograde

"Wild" by Nicolette Krebitz was a movie which has the last two-thirds of it making up for the borefest that was its first third. The kind that lives up to its name - radical, raw, WILD. 

Reminds me of Pier Pasolini's Salò and Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan. Enough said. 

One has got to see it for themselves to taste its "wild offering." A guaranteed go-to art for anyone seeking an awakening of their senses. Animal instinct had never been this graphically demonstrated. 

And for some strange reason, that definitive scene left me a haunting impression with the huge help of this chilly soundtrack - Retrograde by James Blake.  

Pierced through my soul like I would want to transform myself. 

The erotic timing of James Blake's song weaved so well with the rhythm of Ania's visceral breakthrough. "Retrograde" is my new Regina Spektor. Last time I felt wounded by the two-pronged tandem of art and music was 10 years ago.

Regret

Will you make someone

regret that

they loved you

or

regret that they hated

you?

Deserve

"DESERVE"

Such a strong word.

A tooth for a tooth.

An eye for an eye.

A jealousy for jealousy.

A skepticism for skepticism.

A less-than-100% for a less-than-100%.

A negligence for negligence.

An indifference for indifference.

An unreasonableness for unreasonableness.

A self-interest for self-interest.

A dalliance for dalliance.

That is the "deserving" kind of love. Not necessarily "unconditional," not necessarily the "ideal."

Careful to wish for a love you "deserve" because what you gave is what you ought to receive.

Careful not to ask for equity when what suits is equality.

Ask not for an equinox when you are blocking the sun. Ergo, all these eclipses.

The universe works for science as it also does for human emotions.

Sometimes, what we've been asking for is what we've been falling short of giving. Don't ask for trees if you never planted any. Expect no fruit from a tree you never watered yet you're welcome to sustain on the wondrous sight of it. And that is all right - because that is just about what we "deserve."

Defining "LOVE" as giving what you've been given and getting what you've been giving is a fatal way to mistake "deserved love" for "love" love.

Thin lines abound.

Hurt is working overtime.

Not A Mary Day for Dashiro's Last

Never thought I'd see this day when someone so dear to me

would pass away.

This soon.

Dashiro was found lifeless in his cage,

diagnosed w/ diabetes, and

is bound to be euthanized today.

He's learned so many tricks from me.

But the last of which I didn't know he'd learn by himself

- how to go to Dog Heaven.

Go celebrate Mama Mary's birthday up there.

Life is sweeter in heaven, baby boy Dashiro.

Note to Self

Notes App was alive and it did have an iota of what was to happen.

Always leave your phone locked. 

Heart too.

Pano Nga Uli Sabihin Ang "I Love You"?

Yung nakalimutan mo na pano sabihin ang "i love you."

Yung excited ka sa "love you too" pero di ka naman nasasabihan ng "love you."

Kelan ba ang huli?

Kelan nga ba uli?

Ikaw ba yun kung sakali?

Kung half-meant, di na bale. 

Hindi naman siya pa-fall

Sadya ka lang gamol

Teka, walang "siya."

Busy ka, wag mag-pantasya. 

Nangangalawang pala ang puso pag panay utak

Tumitigas kasama ang dila, at kamaong mismong nang-wasak

Buti pa ang bola nagba-bounce back

E ikaw, zero love life, unli dakdak. 

Pano na nga ba sabihin?

Kailangan pa bang aralin?

"I" ba sa English alphabet?

O "ay" sa Pinoy kasi "ay, love ay sabet!"?

Hindi ito ang buhay single

Since birth o konserbatibong model

Istorya 'to ng mga jaded

"I love you" ay di na solid. 

Labor Last Year

Last year, I went extreme and radically true to my pledge/venture/abnegation to have an almighty time off 

by unplugging from the social media. 

That's a genuine desire to be off for a vacation; 

not off to give people vacation envy by posting lavish selfies. Didn't need sunset in my background or plane ticket in my foreground. The world kept spinning with or without the selfie. 

My idea of a new map of life to explore didn't 

include 70% of sea-lfies.

But it did and does include looking down at the haters and doubters.

Over

I know that this wound will bleed again
Now I’m here right beside the one I love
I see he’s in love with someone else
Now I know I just got to let him go
Because it’s over, help me get over

I don’t know what to do
There is no easy way of letting go
But I know there’s no sense
In holding on too much to something fading
Help me, help me
Help me get over you

Now I see, you’re so happy with her
Deep inside I just don’t know what to feel
Oh, I’m sure, you don’t need me anymore
So I’ll go on, try my best to just move on
Now that it’s over, I got to get over

I know I’ve got to leave it all behind
Somehow I’ll try to get you off my mind
So tell me what to do
Help me get over

I don’t know what to do
There is no easy way of letting go
But I know there’s no sense
In holding on too much to something fading
Help me, help me
Help me get over you

Help me get over you