After 5 officially serious relationships, and a handful of not-so-serious others, even I am surprised by myself getting that Jack Skellington mode back on too easily whenever that "heartbreaking" situation would arise.
But this one's, the officially serious 6th, DIFFERENT.
First, when we got to know each other online, I got easily captivated...more by the fact that someone so beautiful would connect with me in the virtual world.
Second, in the real world, the 1st time we met was also my very first and only time I had that thing called love at 1st sight. I can vividly recall that dreamy memory when I was approaching from behind and that being a "somebody" to someone I thought would look at me as a nobody was getting just inches and inches closer. Been
Third, I waited 2 agonizingly long years to become officially us. Been dating that long on and off probably because we've been waiting for the "ripe time." Not just right but the "ripe time." I mean eating green mangoes is just RIGHT for my titillation-starved taste buds but wolfing down those juicy, yellow mangoes is just the RIPE we all want, don't we?
Then 3 months ago, we became us. We tumbled for awhile at the beginning. But who the eff is perfect in the Martian world? (Okay, that "Martian world" is meant to be the 1st figurative phrase I just coined to best describe this thing). It was my happiest. Since my officially serious 1st. Both of them were the only ones to have caught myself saying, "this is the person I wanna marry someday."
"Marry someday," yes. Thus I waited. Two effing long years. Had I had enough money, I would've married at that very instant of saying "yes, you're my lab [love] too."
Marry the person whom, Fourth point, I confidently describe Ideal for being beautiful inside out, family-oriented, super smart, super talented (let's not even talk about how we both love theater and certain same artists), career-driven, a leader, really friendly, magnanimous, Bible believer, a conversationalist, faithful, and really, really charming. Not to mention, my height. And do we make good music together? If there's a better word for YES, i'd say that, colorful flags raised, Sennheiser mics on max.
But what can I do? To someone I've waited in every possible calculated way, one wrong move can bring about one calculated decision - to break it up.
That after weighing all possible options and considerations, as a calculator would objectively say, "it's zero because it's zero."
Not even "zero for now, but probably millions later" or
"zero but there's hope. minds can change. so can hearts." or "zero can take a heart's shape too. just not now but wait, it'll reform back to the heart you always wanted to form together. like 2 swans kissing or 2 penguins lovemaking."
When it's final, it's final.
Unforgivingly zero and final.
So why is this DIFFERENT?
Because this time, even my Jack Skellington can't take that "temporary pain" of losing what he long considered his Ideal Half. Note: Jack Skellington is 100x thicker than my pathetic, weak, asthmatic skin.
that "temporary pain" that will surely evolve into an "eternal baggage."
that "temporary pain" that will haunt me forever thinking "I just lost the person I wanted to marry and that's just temporary? That happiness was...after all, just "temporary"?
My officially serious 1st just boarded the ship last month. Now cruising around the world. So I have just lost my most reliable sounding board to run to whenever breakups would happen and challenge my sanity.
The officially serious 6th has just become the officially serious 6th ex.
What to do?
Self-preservation mode?
No. What's preservable with a broken self?
Self-pity?
No. This situation couldn't get any more pitiful. Spare self of pity, and leave it to the situation.Self-destruction?
Can be. Borrow one. But no. I'll have, in the end, no one.Self-love?
Probably but I can't self-makelove right?Self-ishness to love again?
Uhmmm...maybe.
Why not yes to that last?
Neil Gaiman will surely be proud of me.
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